O Captain, My Captain

I’ve always existed as a we

come, take my hand let’s cross the street 

with you

the road seems less scary 

no sunny day, no cloudy rain has ever passed beyond your gaze

so I count your smiles as raindrops fall 

I measure it for the circumference of happiness 

the shape of dreams 

I’ve loved you since before I knew the taste of spring 

the winter comes 

the winter goes 

you grow old and I bear prose 

time is a brutal thing in its totality 

I still talk in we but love’s never that easy 

look right look left let’s set the scene 

the holidays have passed and you’ve still not called me 

I wish that you would come lean on my doorway 

that the christmas cards were still addressed to both you and me 

when God made my heart 

he gave you the key 

but nobody accounted for our impermanency 

So on the road home

you rush ahead 

I stand on the side, hand outstretched to side 

I wait for your fingers to curl around mine 

but you’re halfway down the interstate 

I still think in we, reach to close your eyes before each tragic movie scene 

for when you cry, the world stops to grieve 

but you’ve become a paradigm of majesty 

and I am made a formality 

Now child, close your eyes 

let me sing you a lullaby, just go to sleep 

you used to sing me this song now you just humor me 

Let me put you in your crib 

like we’re still little kids 

even before I knew how to speak, 

my words fought to speak your praises, teach you new phrases 

M-i-s-s y-o-u write it down please 

must I sound it out? 

now I’ve grown and I still dream of we 

but you’ve long changed your vocabulary

to you and me and me and you 

like we’re separate entities 

an intruder in the kingdom, like I wouldn’t throw myself on the sword on your decree 

speak softer of us my love, you forget 

that I was born looking back for you 

how am I to abandon my instincts for love, when they have long protected you 

how am I to forget the habits you left in me? How am I to start anew? 

Let me fix your hair, your collar, your shoes 

say it with me, I say, Antara loves you 

and you’d giggle but now only silence fills the room 

maybe it was my fault, it’s something assumed, another familial fallacy 

but I can’t help it 

I am a sister of we,

and you have forever been my favorite company 

to miss you is like breathing, it’s biology